New Category–Life after management

Jeremy B wrote me, reminding me that while management life can clearly inspire great haiku, the cathartic release of leaving corporate life for good can also stoke those poetic fires:


Irresponsible
Jeremy quit a good job.
And she married him?

or

Meetings got you down?
Try mixing cocktails instead.
Less traffic at night.

Jeremy had a corporate job with fully bennies. It also came with a very long commute and way-beyond-eight-hour-days. It took him just a few months to figure out that he had to act drastically, tootsweet. More than a decade later, he is a happy, successful New Yorker with a beautiful wife and a developing acting career. Although brief, his short stint in a suit probably still gives him the occasional random heebie-jeebie. Thanks, Jeremy B–you've inspired a whole new category of management haiku. If any of you all are in the same boat, please get to scribblin'.

Eight meetings a day is fun!

Ten eleven noon
One two three five six
Eight meetings today!

Today was one of those eight–meeting days. Wall–to–wall, sun up to sun down, butt–numbing meeting after meeting. I should have known the day was going sliding into a ninth circle of Meeting Hell, but didn't adjust my thinking in time to adequately prepare. Classic amateur mistake.

Lesson: You can't go lightly into a day filled with 30–to 90–minute meetings. Period.

No, you've got to plan right, lest you end up with a bruised tailbone and Jell–O for brains. So, here are some tips for getting through those long days where the only thing it seems you're there to do is fill a chair and say things like "Exactly!" and "That's interesting!"

Tip Number One: Hydrate
You've got to have something to drink. My drink of choice is coffee. If I had my choice, I'd just wheel around one of those wheeled coat-rack looking things they have in hospitals with a coffee I.V. drip stuck in my vein. But, that's just me. Coffee keeps you hydrated, for a time at least, and gives you an excuse to leave the meeting for the restroom. Nice.

Tip Number Two: Nutrition
Small meals are best. Avoid big lunches, especially greasy ones. If you eat something spicy or with onions, don't wash it down with a carbonated beverage, out of consideration for you coworkers. Then again, this can be kind of fun if you work with those you hate. I usually start out with a bran muffin and then see what works from there. Today, I had an incident in the cafeteria, inspiring this haiku:

Clink. Hum. Then....nada
Rage, rage against the machine
It ate my dollar

Tip Number Three: Mind Tricks
Keep your mind working in those meetings rather than just vegging out. I'd recommend haiku, of course, but there are other things you can do. A friend of mine draws cute bunny rabbits with disturbing expressions, often sneaking into conference rooms to leave rabbit grafitti in time for the next managers' meeting. It's a little victory, but not insignificant. Others go to their "Happy Place". Whatever, man. Just do it.

Tip Number Four: A) Smile. B) Nod.
If things go bad—very bad—in a meeting, relax. This too will pass. In management, soothing clichés abound. So, get back in the game. Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

I leave you with one final haiku, inspired by my positively heroic patience during my record–setting day of meeting attendance. As you can see, it didn't end so well.

Her mouth open wide
My boss screams, growing redder
You will respect me

—Your Working Boy,
D

Happy New Year!

It's the first day of a new year. For us at Management Haiku, that means plenty of opportunities to get our Haiku on. Most of us had a least a few days off for family, friends and the holidays. Fat and happy, or at least preoccupied, our poetry—starved from lack of adversity—founders. Fortunately, J.T., a friend and fellow manager, has sent along this little beauty, dealing with his frustration at finding his local dive bar (a welcome harbor following particularly bad days at work) open only to ladies willing to drop five bucks to see a nudie male revue show:

Why tonight? Why have
guys dropping trou at my bar?
Need beer, not butt cheeks.

Thanks, J.T.! It's that kind of commitment to haiku—the willingness to write poetry on your personal time—rather than just on company time that I respect and admire.

To everyone else out there, I wish you a happy, and above all productive, new year.

Categories

This list is evolving, of course, but we thought we'd start with a few basic categories to kick things off. Eventually, all categories will link to specific groups of haiku.


Meeting Hell
Tired of long pointless meetings? Do what we do. ...haiku!

Middle Management
In limbo between the executive suits and hourly employees, middle managers vent their frustration, haiku-style.

Cubicle Life
Living in a box can be stifling, but it can produce some great haiku...and keeps you out of the boss' line of sight

My favorite Haiku (for now)

My all-time favorite, written during a three-hour marathon session sponsored by the H.R. department on the topic of "Hiring for Talent". It featured, among other things, a fill-in questionaire on the topic that we all had to read aloud.

Bang bang bang bang bang
Bang bang bang bang bang reload
Bang bang bang bang bang


A "brainstorming" session last month produced this one:

There are no answers
There are no questions, either
Meetings are like that

And this one, from a call for manager participation in a company-sponsored community event by the company president (because we're salaried and our time doesn't cost anything):

We're looking for more...
managers to volunteer
to paint kids' faces

Lastly, a little ditty composed in honor of annual evaluations I have to perform on my staff:

Evaluations?
Let's enact Sharia Law
Miss deadline, lose hand