Thursday, May 3, 2007

Haiku Roundup

I've been getting quite a bit of haiku sent to me and I've been slacking about getting it up on the site...I'll keep adding them to this post in the hopes of catching up:

If management style
Is what you seek, look outward
None lies within you
--Oregon Boy

When there's nothing left to say....

Ten years of that crap
and I finally just quit.
'Bye, my fat boss said.

-Thanks, JT. Good luck in God's Country. You'll do great. Also, save me a beer.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Western Haiku

So my boss, Leona Helmsley, is really ranting about the budget. It's March and already things aren't looking so good. She spent hours reaming me out yesterday because my personnel budget is in the red. It's in the red because she came up with a month-long project that requires one of my part-timer contract employees to work in the field. They'll be working full-time for the duration, but now Leona is pissed because those work hours have to come out of my budget, and they don't exist. Each week, I'll just get further into the budget black hole. To pay for this employee, who usually works one day a week, I'll have to cut three others for a minimum six-week period, all because she couldn't find funding for this special project. And whose fault is all of this? You guessed it, me. The middle manager chump. It makes me want wo wax poetic:

I see your mouth move
but all that I'm hearing is
blahdy-blah blah blah

my boss has her 'crew'
they meet and walk side by side
ass clowns on parade

But, enough of that. I've got some great Western Haiku, sent in from JT, who lives and toils in the Great Northwest. These are true works of art...I think you'll agree:

Heads nod as boss talks.
Brown nosers all see his point.
Yes, they all agree.


If I had a belt,
I'd have something to tie the
dynamite onto.


The table zombies'
eyebrows lift in feigned surprise:
The numbers are up?


Revenue streams up,
but circulation is down.
Hostages still stable.

Friday, March 2, 2007

New Haiku

So, it's March....and I've got some haiku that helps ring in the new month. The following comes from Charlene K, a former newspaper person who is now a professional writer and editor in New York City. So you know these have to be good:

Black suit, high heels, pearls
all i hear is bark! bark! bark!
Eat me, control freak!


This one falls under the category of "Maybe you should take a day off or something".....

You are my boss but
I really wish you were dead
because i hate you

Thanks, Charlene!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Exceeding expectations

A lot has happened in the past month...new baby, lots of excitement on the home front, and plenty to do at work. Not much time to haiku, but I've got a couple more by way of New York:

Corporate slave chains
are not our destiny, friend.
Stick it to the man!

and:

Doughnuts here are free
But not, I'm afraid, are we.
Don't touch my glazed!

Yesterday, a colleague (let's call him Michelangelo) and I were talking about a planning meeting we'd had that just had ended a few minutes before. In the meeting were my immediate boss (Gerald Ford) and his boss, (Condaleeza Rice), plus a handful of other top-level managers such as myself. Let's call them a cabinet. So Gerald Ford starts the meeting by asking managers to do a run-down of projects and timelines. Everything goes well until Condy hears that some projects might not happen because it's the weekend and we don't have enough staff to cover. Several of us get dressed down in the meeting, and told by her that "I can't believe what I'm hearing. These are employees. They don't get a choice. You can order them to work." At this point, a fellow manager drew a picture of a doghouse, and put the intitials of each of us inside it to illustrate her point.

Later, after the meeting, Michelangelo tells me his secret for survival in a capricious environment such as ours. "I keep out of the doghouse," he tells me, "by never exceeding expectations." Then, he walked away, not even a trace of a smile on his lips.

I can't really add much to that. So simple, so profound. Now I'm learning. If I can just deaden myself to the point that nothing bothers me, me and Condy'll get along just fine.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

New Category–Life after management

Jeremy B wrote me, reminding me that while management life can clearly inspire great haiku, the cathartic release of leaving corporate life for good can also stoke those poetic fires:


Irresponsible
Jeremy quit a good job.
And she married him?


or

Meetings got you down?
Try mixing cocktails instead.
Less traffic at night.


Jeremy had a corporate job with fully bennies. It also came with a very long commute and way-beyond-eight-hour-days. It took him just a few months to figure out that he had to act drastically, tootsweet. More than a decade later, he is a happy, successful New Yorker with a beautiful wife and a developing acting career. Although brief, his short stint in a suit probably still gives him the occasional random heebie-jeebie. Thanks, Jeremy B–you've inspired a whole new category of management haiku. If any of you all are in the same boat, please get to scribblin'.

Friday, January 5, 2007

Eight meetings a day is fun!

Ten eleven noon
One two three five six
Eight meetings today!


Today was one of those eight–meeting days. Wall–to–wall, sun up to sun down, butt–numbing meeting after meeting. I should have known the day was going sliding into a ninth circle of Meeting Hell, but didn't adjust my thinking in time to adequately prepare. Classic amateur mistake.

Lesson: You can't go lightly into a day filled with 30–to 90–minute meetings. Period.

No, you've got to plan right, lest you end up with a bruised tailbone and Jell–O for brains. So, here are some tips for getting through those long days where the only thing it seems you're there to do is fill a chair and say things like "Exactly!" and "That's interesting!"

Tip Number One: Hydrate
You've got to have something to drink. My drink of choice is coffee. If I had my choice, I'd just wheel around one of those wheeled coat-rack looking things they have in hospitals with a coffee I.V. drip stuck in my vein. But, that's just me. Coffee keeps you hydrated, for a time at least, and gives you an excuse to leave the meeting for the restroom. Nice.

Tip Number Two: Nutrition
Small meals are best. Avoid big lunches, especially greasy ones. If you eat something spicy or with onions, don't wash it down with a carbonated beverage, out of consideration for you coworkers. Then again, this can be kind of fun if you work with those you hate. I usually start out with a bran muffin and then see what works from there. Today, I had an incident in the cafeteria, inspiring this haiku:

Clink. Hum. Then....nada
Rage, rage against the machine
It ate my dollar


Tip Number Three: Mind Tricks
Keep your mind working in those meetings rather than just vegging out. I'd recommend haiku, of course, but there are other things you can do. A friend of mine draws cute bunny rabbits with disturbing expressions, often sneaking into conference rooms to leave rabbit grafitti in time for the next managers' meeting. It's a little victory, but not insignificant. Others go to their "Happy Place". Whatever, man. Just do it.

Tip Number Four: A) Smile. B) Nod.
If things go bad—very bad—in a meeting, relax. This too will pass. In management, soothing clichés abound. So, get back in the game. Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

I leave you with one final haiku, inspired by my positively heroic patience during my record–setting day of meeting attendance. As you can see, it didn't end so well.

Her mouth open wide
My boss screams, growing redder
You will respect me


—Your Working Boy,
D

Monday, January 1, 2007

Happy New Year!

It's the first day of a new year. For us at Management Haiku, that means plenty of opportunities to get our Haiku on. Most of us had a least a few days off for family, friends and the holidays. Fat and happy, or at least preoccupied, our poetry—starved from lack of adversity—founders. Fortunately, J.T., a friend and fellow manager, has sent along this little beauty, dealing with his frustration at finding his local dive bar (a welcome harbor following particularly bad days at work) open only to ladies willing to drop five bucks to see a nudie male revue show:

Why tonight? Why have
guys dropping trou at my bar?
Need beer, not butt cheeks.


Thanks, J.T.! It's that kind of commitment to haiku—the willingness to write poetry on your personal time—rather than just on company time that I respect and admire.

To everyone else out there, I wish you a happy, and above all productive, new year.